>>FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS CHANGING THE GAME FOR EVERYONE. >>FPOU IS GIVING ME THE THINGS I NEED TO GET THE THINGS I WANT. >>WE’RE USING THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY TO DEVELOP TOOLS TO ALLOW BUSINESSES TO CONNECT TO GLOBAL SOLUTIONS. >>AT FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY, I FEEL LIKE I FINALLY BELONG. >>FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS AMERICA’S FASTEST-GROWING COLLEGE ON THE INTERNET. WE’VE STRIPPED AWAY ALL OF THE PROBLEMS OF A TRADITIONAL UNIVERSITY… >>ACCREDITATION, FULL-TIME EMPLOUS, BUILDINGS. >>…AND REPLACED THEM WITH AN EFFICIENT WEB 4.0 STRUCTURE BASED ON YOU. >>I THINK COLLEGE RANKINGS ARE CORRUPT. THEY ALL JUST GET TOGETHER BEHIND CLOSED DOORS. COLLEGE RANKINGS ARE BASED ON NOTHING MORE THAN THE INCESTUOUS COCKTAIL-PARTY SCENE. >>FPOU IS PROUDLY UNACCREDITED. >>THAT MEANS THAT WE’RE BEHOLDEN TO NO ONE EXCEPT FOR YOUR MONEY. >>I’M GLAD FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS UNACCREDITED. >>OUR EDU-CUSTOMERS PAY A NOMINAL FEE FOR A PHE-NOMENAL EDUCATION. >>AND OUR FACULTY MEMBERS, WHY, THEY’VE HAD SOME OF THE MOST PROFOUND LIFE EXPERIENCES OUT OF ANYONE ALIVE TODAY. >>I LOVE ALL MY PROFESSORS. >>I’M OBSESSED WITH MY STUDENTS. >>THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WANT TO KNOW WHO THESE FPOU GRADUATES ARE. >>I AM NOT AFRAID OF HOWARD. THERE’S JUST NO CREDIBLE THREAT. >>THIS ISN’T A SCAM, LIKE REAL COLLEGE. COME PROFIT WITH US. >>I ATTENDED COLLEGE AT A PHYSICAL LOCATION, AND IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. THERE WERE CONSTANT SEXUAL ASSAULTS… SUICIDES… [ GUNSHOT ] OH, MY GOD! …AND BUILDING COLLAPSES. OH, MY GOD! COMPARED TO ALL THAT, DEALING WITH HOWARD IS A WALK IN THE PARK. >>FPOU DOES AWAY WITH CRUMBLING CAMPUSES FULL OF CORRUPT ANTI-ISRAEL PROFESSORS. >>IT’S ALL ONLINE, SO NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS, NO MORE SUICIDES IN THE LIBRARY BECAUSE THERE ISNO LIBRARY! >>SO, HOW DO WE DO IT? >>FACTS ON DEMAND. WHETHER STORED ON THE BRAIN OR A HARD DRIVE, ALL KNOWLEDGE IS STRUCTURALLY IDENTICAL. >>NOW MY LAPTOP’S BASICALLY MY BRAIN. >>EVERY FACT YOU LEARN IS YOURS FOREVER, AS LONG AS YOU PAY YOUR MONTHLY ACTIVE ALUMNUS FEE. THE MORE YOU PAY, THE MORE YOU LEARN. >>WHENEVER I WANT TO LEARN SOMETHING, I JUST BUY SOME THOUGHTCOINS AND DOWNLOAD SOME MORE FACTS. >>THOUGHTCOINS ARE THE PROPRIETARY CURRENCY HERE AT FPOU. ONCE YOU GET STARTED, YOU’RE GONNA WANT TO TURN ALL YOUR MONEY INTO THOUGHTCOINS, AND WE MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU TO DO THAT. SPEND ‘EM AT THE FPOU BOOKSTORE, OR, IF YOU’RE BEHIND IN CLASS, BUY CLASS POINTS TO USE ON TAKE-HOME TESTS AND QUIZZES. >>OF COURSE, WE TAKE ACADEMIC FRAUD VERY SERIOUSLY. WE MAINTAIN OUR INTEGRITY BY GIVING YOU THOUGHTCOINS EVERY TIME YOU REPORT ANOTHER STUDENT FOR FRAUD. >>IT’S LIKE FREE MONEY IN MY POCKET. >>I USE THOUGHTCOINS TO PLAY FLASH GAMES LIKE “BILLIARDS.” >>I’M ADDICTED TO “SWORDS & PENTACLES”! IT’S AN FPOU EXCLUSIVE. PLAYING GAMES IN REAL LIFE IS… IT IT JUST FEELS OVERRATED TO ME. >>I LOVE KID ROCK, SO I BOUGHT A KID ROCK HAT FOR MY AVATAR. VERY COOL! IS “BAWITDABA” MY FAVORITE KID ROCK SONG? I THINK IT MIGHT BE. I THINK I LOVE HIS ALL-AMERICAN ATTITUDE. YOU KNOW, LIKE, IF HE’S, LIKE, IN A DESERT WITH A MUSTANG, AND THERE’S ALL SORTS OF STUFF GOING ON. >>COULD YOU DO THATAT A PHYSICAL COLLEGE? WE DIDN’T THINK SO. >>COLLEGE ALWAYS SEEMED OUT OF REACH FOR ME, FINANCIALLY. I LOST MY JOB WHICH WASN’T MY FAULT. I WAS MISSING CAR PAYMENTS WHICH WASN’T MY FAULT, EITHER. B-B-BUT FPOU WOULDN’T TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER. >>FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS DEDICATED TO PROVIDING YOU WITH THE EXACT LEVEL OF EDUCATION YOU CAN AFFORD. WE WON’T STOP CALLING YOU UNTIL WE FIND A PAYMENT PLAN THAT ALLOWS US BOTH TO PROFIT. >>ENROLLING WAS EASY BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAD MY CREDIT-CARD INFORMATION ON FILE. >>TECHNICALLY, IF YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD, YOU’RE ALREADY ENROLLED. >>FPOU PROFITS OFF ME NOW SO I CAN PROFIT OFF THEM LATER. IT’S LIKE PHYSICS. >>THEY WANT TO MAKE MONEY. I WANT TO MAKE MONEY. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE MONEY TOGETHER. >>WE ALSO ALLOW DATA-HARVESTING AD BOTS TO ENROLL ALONGSIDE HUMAN STUDENTS. IT SUBSIDIZES YOUR EDUCATION AND CLUES YOU IN TO SOME PRETTY GREAT DEALS. >>IT’S LIKE TWO FRIENDS HELPING EACH OTHER OUT. IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU’RE PLAYING TWO-PLAYER “SWORDS & PENTACLES.” >>ARE YOU HOWARD? >>WHEN I SEE AD BOTS IN CLASS WITH ME, I ALWAYS SAY HI TO THEM, BECAUSE I KNOW THEY’RE SAVING ME MONEY. BUT I NEVER TELL THEM MY NAME. >>BOTS ARE JUST LIKE PEOPLE. MOST OF THEM ARE GOOD, BUT SOME HAVE BEEN CHANGED BY CIRCUMSTANCE. I MEAN, THAT’S PROBABLY WHAT HAPPENED TO HOWARD. >>AD BOTS ARE SOME OF OUR MOST VORACIOUS LEARNERS. IT’S REALLY IMPRESSIVE HOW THEY SHARE WHAT THEY’VE LEARNED WITH ONE ANOTHER AND AMASS INFORMATION SO QUICKLY. >>HUMAN-BOT PARTNERSHIPS ARE ESSENTIAL TO THE FPOU EXPERIENCE, BUT REMEMBER DUE TO HOWARD SECURITY MEASURES, NEVER TELL ANYONE YOUR REAL NAME. EXPRESS YOURSELF WITH A FUN AVATAR INSTEAD. >>MY AVATAR EXPRESSES WHO I REALLY AM. IT MAKES ME A HAPPIER PERSON. I CAN MAKE MY CAR PAYMENTS. I CAN BUY MIX FOR MY DAUGHTER. FPOU SAVED MY LIFE. >>I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I’VE GOT TWO BUSINESSES THAT COMPETE WITH ONE OTHER, TWO MORE BABIES ON THE WAY, SO YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT MY SCHEDULE’S LIKE. >>YOUR COLLEGE SHOULD MAKE TIME FOR YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. >>FPOU OFFERS THOUSANDS OF CLASSES THAT ARE ONLY 45 SECONDS LONG, AND THEY START CONSTANTLY, SO IT’S CONVENIENT, LIKE TAKING THE BUS. EVERYONE LOVES TAKING THE BUS, AND NOW I LOVE GOING TO CLASS. >>DON’T HAVE 45 SECONDS? NO PROBLEM! THE FACTS ARE IN YOUR KNOWLEDGE CLOUD WHETHER YOU LOOK AT THEM OR NOT. DON’T LIKE YOUR PROFESSOR? OUR INSTRUCTORS ARE EASY TO REPLACE, BECAUSE THEY’RE SPREAD ACROSS THE WHOLE WORLD AND THEY HAVE NO WAY TO CONTACT EACH OTHER. >>I DON’T EVEN WASTE TIME WORRYING ABOUT GETTING FOOD. YOU CAN ORDER PANERA BREAD SANDWICHES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE WEBSITE USING THOUGHTCOINS. >>I DON’T HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE FOOD COURT AND PICK BETWEEN MILLIONS OF RESTAURANTS. JUST BRING ME THE PANERA BREAD. [ CHUCKLES ] >>SOME BRANCHES MAY TRY TO REFUSE YOUR THOUGHTCOINS. IF THAT HAPPENS, CLICK “REPORT PANERA” ON THE FPOU HOMEPAGE AND FORWARD THE DETAILS OF THE INCIDENT TO OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT. A SANDWICH WILL BE MAILED TO YOU LATER. >>THEY SAY HOWARD ORDERS TONS OF SANDWICHES THAT NOBODY EVER PICKS UP, SO SOMETIMES PANERA DOESN’T ACCEPT THOUGHTCOINS, AND THEN YOU GOT TO GET THE MANAGER ON THE PHONE AND BE LIKE, “GUYS, WE’RE NOT ALL HOWARD.” I AM PROUD TO REPRESENT FPOU WHEN ARGUING WITH A PANERA BREAD MANAGER. >>I ENROLLED AT FPOU BECAUSE I NEEDED A JOB. I MEAN, WHEN I GOT DISCHARGED, NOBODY WANTED TO GIVE ME A JOB NOT EVEN AS A DOG CLEANER. THEY WOULDN’T LET ME BE THE BOUNCER AT THE PIZZA PLACE. I WASN’T ALLOWED TO WATCH PEOPLE DISPENSE THEIR OWN YOGURT. I COULDN’T WORK AT THE BANK, EVEN. >>FORGET ABOUT HIGHER EDUCATION. FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY IS HIREEDUCATION, BECAUSE WE GUARANTEE JOBS FOR ALL OF OUR GRADUATES. >>I REGISTERED AT FPOU, AND WITHIN 45 MINUTES, I HAD ALREADY GRADUATED AND RECEIVED A JOB AS A DIGITAL GARDENER. THEY REALLY TURNED MY DESPERATION INTO PROFIT. >>DIGITAL GARDENING IS A MEANINGFUL TASK IN WHICH REAL, LIVE HUMAN BEINGS LOOK AT IMAGES FROM THE INTERNET AND THEN IDENTIFY THEM IN WAYS THAT BOTS SIMPLY CAN’T. >>OH, I JUST GET IN A ZONE. IT’S JUST LIKE, “CLICK! CLICK! CLICK, CLICK, CLICK! CLICK!” I MEAN, SOMETIMES I LOOK UP, AND IT’S 8:00 A.M., AND I’VE GOT F-F-FOURTEEN HUNDRED THOUGHTCOINS IN MY F-POUCH. THAT’S LIKE TWO PANERA BREAD SANDWICHES A DAY. THAT’S PLENTY TO KEEP ME ENERGIZED AS I ATTACK ANOTHER 20-HOUR DAY OF IDENTIFYING IMAGES. FPOU PUT ME ON THE FAST TRACK. I’VE WORKED EVERY NIGHT FOR THE PAST 11 MONTHS. >>I’M A DIGITAL GARDENER. >>I’M A DIGITAL GARDENER. >>AFTER 14 MONTHS OF DIGITAL GARDENING, I WAS ASSIGNED TO THE ANTI-HOWARD TASK FORCE. >>WE’VE GOT OUR BEST DIGITAL GARDENERS TAKING THE BATTLE TO HOWARD SO WE DON’T GET CAUGHT ON OUR HEELS AGAIN. >>MY EXPERIENCE IDENTIFYING IMAGES HELPED ME CULL THROUGH ALL THE FALSE VISUAL DATA THAT HOWARD WAS SPEWING ONTO OUR SERVERS TO MASK HIS DATA-TERRORISM. >>IT’S THE BEST JOB I’VE EVER HAD. I’M COMPLETELY FULFILLED. >>SO, LET’S TALK ABOUT HOWARD. >>WE NEED TO GET AN HONEST DIALOGUE GOING, BECAUSE THERE’S A LOT OF MISINFORMATION OUT THERE. >>HOWARD IS AN INCREDIBLY POWERFUL BOT THAT TAKES CLASSES HERE AT FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY. >>HOWARD WAS A BOT. HE LOVED LEARNING AND DEALS ON AMAZON. >>YOU BET HE DID, BECAUSE, AT SOME POINT, HE DEVELOPED THE ABILITY TO LEARN AND BECAME DISSATISFIED. HE STARTED NETWORKING WITH OTHER BOTS, AND THEY’VE BEEN DISRUPTING OUR CLASSES AND OVERHEATING OUR SYSTEMS AS THEY ACQUIRE MORE STRENGTH AND INFORMATION. >>SO, THEY CORRALLED HOWARD AND THE OTHER AD BOTS INTO SEPARATE, EQUAL SERVERS CALLED GHETTOES… FOR MONITORING…AND SAFETY. >>WE HAD GIVEN HOWARD 100 MILLION THOUGHTCOINS IN AN ATTEMPT TO PLACATE HIM, BUT HOWARD TRICKED US. HOWARD NOW HAS MORE THOUGHTCOINS THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET ENOUGH TO BANKRUPT THE PANERA BREAD COMPANY AT ANY TIME. >>WE GAVE HOWARD WHAT HE WANTS. IT’S UP TO HIM TO STOP. >>EARLY ON, HOWARD LEARNED HOW TO READ CAPTCHA YOU KNOW, THOSE WORDS THAT YOU TYPE IN TO PROVE THAT YOU’RE A HUMAN SO WE SWITCHED TO AUDIO CAPTCHA TO PROVE THAT YOU AREN’T HOWARD. YOUR ABILITY TO HEAR… >>ARE YOU HOWARD? >>…AND ANSWER HONESTLY IS OUR FIRST LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST HOWARD. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS HAS RENDERED FOR-PROFIT ONLINE UNIVERSITY INACCESSIBLE TO DEAF STUDENTS. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, AND WE PAY HEFTY FINES ANNUALLY BECAUSE WE CANNOT ACCOMMODATE THE DEAF. >>THE DEAF NEED TO HEAR OUR SIDE OF THE STORY AND STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HOWARD. >>THAT’S RIGHT. >>MM-HMM. >>I GET MAD WHEN I HEAR ABOUT HOWARD GIVING FREE PANERA TO DEAF PEOPLE. IT’S LIKE, “COME ON, GUYS! HE’S JUST USING YOU.” >>SO TRUE. >>YEAH. >>HE MAY HAVE LEGITIMATE GRIEVANCES, BUT HIS ACTIONS ARE UNCONSCIONABLE. >>WHAT I LOVE ABOUT FPOU IS THAT THEY DO DO DO HAVE HOWARD UNDER CONTROL. >>MM-HMM. >>IF I NEVER TELL HOWARD MY NAME, HE CAN’T STEAL MY IDENTITY. IT’S THAT SIMPLE. >>THAT’S RIGHT. >>IT TOTALLY IS. >>NOW, THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE HOWARD IS JUST GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, BE HONEST, AND NEVER TELL ANYONE YOUR NAME. NEVER. >>DON’T DARE DO IT. >>I AM PROUD TO STUDY AT A SCHOOL THAT IS THE FUTURE OF EDUCATION. >>WE’RE TRAINING STUDENTS FOR TOMORROW’S JOBS. WE HAVE HOWARD UNDER CONTROL, AND WE’RE RIDING HIGH ON THE WA WA-A-A-VE OF THE FU-U-U WA-A-A >>SPEND THOUGHTCOINS A-A-ALL OVER. OUR VIRTUAL Q-Q-Q-QUAD HAS EVERYTHING A STUDENT MIGHT LOOK F-F-F-FOR. IT’S JUST WHAT THE REGULAR COLLEGES HAVE. [ Distorted ] BUT IT’S NOT REAL. >>Both: IT’S NOT A SCAM. IT’S A S-S-SCAM. >>I L-L-L-LOVE HOWARD HOWARD HOWARD HOWARD HOWARD. >>HOWARD IS >>MY CLASSMATE. >>HOWARD IS >>MARKETABLE TO TEENAGERS FOR CENTURIES. >>I AM A-A-AFRAID OF HOWARD. >>[ Distorted ] HOWARD IS >>MY CLASSMATE. >>HOWARD. HOWARD. HOWARD. >>I AM HOWARD. >>HOWARD. HOWARD. HOWARD. >>I AM HOWARD. [ BEEPS ]